A-Rod: "I'm Totally Gay....For This New Ascot!"

Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez came out of the figurative closet today, and disclosed his undying homosexual love for clothing.

"Some people are gay for people," said Rodriguez with a sheepish grin, "But for me, its all about looking good, and being gay for the things I wear."

The proud owner of the biggest baseball contract in the history of Earth and the Multiverse, "A-Rod" has limitless resources to pursue his wardrobe fantasies. Among his collection are the actual costumes worn by David Bowie in Labyrinth and the corset and garter combo set which adored the body of Tim Curry in Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Rodriguez expressed that he is no longer satisfied with greatness on the diamond, and with the blessings of fellow clothing homo and celebrity bicycle, Kate Hudson, he has decided to pursue fabulousness with all of his energy.

"I'm tired of being A-Rod," said Rodriguez between sips of Mochatini, "I want to be A-Mazing."

New Stadium Allows Cowboys To Lose In Front Of More Fans

Texans from hundreds of miles across Texas were overjoyed at the opening of the Dallas Cowboys new $1 billion stadium last night. The stadium, named Cowboy Stadium by a local third grade shop class, held an NFL record 105,000 fans at last night's opening game, and subsequent loss to the New York Football Giants.

Cowboys owner, and part-time carnival ride operator, Jerry Jones was on-hand along side Cowboy greats Emmit Smith, Troy Aikman and Michael Irvin and other Texas celebrities. Local "President guy" George W. Bush performed the opening coin toss, but entered a confused rage when told the coin did not literally have a tail.

Following the subsequent firefight and traditional cow-hangin', a football game ensued, and the 100,000+ bore witness to the gutsy and "unconventional" decision making of Dallas quarterback Tony Romo. Romo's 3 interceptions allowed the Cowboys to seal a 1-point loss. Romo, however, was more excited about the new nickname he came up with.

"It came to me in a dream last night," said Romo in his post-game smoking jacket, "There was this weird naked Indian guy, and after we made love, he called me 'Tomo'. I told the guys about it and they agree, its hilarious."

"The hard part for the fans will be finding a way to rhyme it.", Romo added.

Jerry Jones was pleased with the outcome, and pledged to take a "money bath" as soon as he molts and sheds his skin. He then left the interview and began to rub his back on the bark of a local tree.

Enzyte Bob Indicted On 48 Counts Of Sexual Assault

The man known around the world as "Smilin' Bob" from the Enzyte commercials was officially charged in New Jersey Superior Court with an earth-shattering 48 counts of sexual assault. A grand jury was convinced not only by a mountain of evidence and eyewitness testimony, but by the completely unrepentant grin of pleasure which never left Smilin' Bob's face.

Mr. Bob's attorney, H.R. MacNichols, Esq., maintained confidence in his client's innocence.

"What we have here is a case of people taking advantage of a person's celebrity status," said MacNichols with a stupid smile on his face, "Just because my client is contractually obligated to take large doses of Enzyte daily, and that he is a walking and raging erection, is purely circumstantial."

With his accusers looking on, Mr. Bob listened as the prosecutor read off the list of charges with what appeared to be a look of pleasure mixed with arrogance. Occasionally, the desk in front of him appeared to move up for a few seconds, followed by a call for recess.

"My client is not fit to stand trial," Mr. MacNicols continued, "The 'blast of confidence' which Enzyte provides him with has rendered him a walking pleasure factory, with no ability to control his actions. However, for those wondering, his penis has grown in size."

Obama Beats Up Child; Enjoys Iced Tea

President Barack Obama symbolically fought a child on the White House lawn, inflicting what he called "a serious ass beating" on the confused youngster. Obama did this as a warning to all parents who have been openly criticizing his reforms, and fearing he would harm their children.

"You want to see harm? I'll show you harm!", bellowed Obama as he delivered yet another kick to the ribs of his 8 year old victim, "Do you see it? I'm literally hurting a child. Don't you all see how literal this is? This is in no way a metaphor."

Parents across the country have been taking Obama's reforms personally, and were vocal over their concerns that Obama would try to hurt their children through social programs, but they never imagined this kind of literal and blatant form of child abuse.

The child was not identified, but Obama, while sitting in his Presidential rocking chair drinking a comically large glass of iced tea, assured parents that "he could be anybody. Just you wait."

Summer Suffers Early Knockout

Despite a late start, and a season-long lackluster effort, Summer appeared to be going strong until the stiff punch to the gut delivered by fall. It was a disappointing year for Summer.

"I wasn't serious about my conditioning this spring, and I paid for it down the stretch," said Summer....somehow, "Its going to be a long off-season, but one I'll learn from."

This year's summer could be best referred to as "unorthodox", as instead of the usual searing heat and sunlight, summer instead opted for two months of near-constant rain, followed by an ungodly heat and then a sudden and abrupt cooling of the earth. Much like a Speedo full of ice cubes, Summer ended its season with a icy paralysis of everything you love, and leaves you with the disappointing that there was more you could do, but its hard to started.

Bacon Named "Official Meat Of Planet Earth And Also Universe"

Governments around the world ceased all non-peaceful actions this afternoon, and rejoiced in a unified declaration of togetherness. The catalyst for this sudden change - bacon. After centuries of squabble and disagreement, world leaders from all cultures realized that there was indeed one thing they could agree on, and that is that they can't get enough of bacon.

As with most of the bright spots in history, it started with the United States.

"I was teleconferencing this morning with Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, and in the midst of our usual angry shouting match,", said President Obama, "One of my aides interrupted by delivering my breakfast, and since the meeting was going nowhere, I decided I would just eat it in front of him. And then it happened."

"I saw his plate was predominantly filled with the heavenly meat known as 'bacon', and realized that deep down, our people are not that different.", said Chavez, while slicking his hair back with lard, "It was time to change."

Within hours, news of the U.S.-Venezuala peace accord spread like a greasy fire around the globe. The Japanese leadership boarded a ship to meet for an impromptu brunch with Kim Jong-Il in the middle of the Sea of Japan. The backdrop for the event was the Korean leader dumping his nuclear arsenal into the ocean.

Even in the Islamic world, where pork is shunned religiously, there was a moment of clarity. Arab leaders admitted they had no problem with eating bacon, but had kept up appearances for years to keep a wedge between cultures, a wedge which is now shattered with the cast iron pan of world peace.

Israeli and Palestinian alike mingled in the streets like old friends. Iraqi insurgents locked arms with America G.I.'s around a steaming griddle. Even the estranged members of Pink Floyd were seen crying in each others arms above a sizzling plate.

Truly, this is a day that shall never be forgotten. The day man became one....one with bacon.

Entire Yankees Team Presumed Dead In Freak Lightning Attack

Yankees fans awoke this morning to the sorrowful news that the entire New York Yankees team was killed last night in Baltimore. The team's hotel was hit with what eyewitnesses described as "a massive barrage of lightning from the heavens", leaving local authorities to pick up the pieces.

"I know the phrase 'act of god' is most often used to describe weather," said MLB commissioner Bud Selig, "But this is more specifically an act of a very real, and incredibly vengeful god."

Onlookers watch in amazement and horror around 3AM this morning at the heavenly spectacle. According to eyewitness accounts the skies above the hotel turned a bright shade of red, and audible laughter could be heard booming through the cities. Then the lighting strikes began, and within minutes the entire hotel was ashes. One onlooker described the destruction as "like that time on CNN when we was freeing Iraq".

The tragedy was multiplied when it was learned that additional guests were present in the hotel, including Yankee broadcaster Michael Kay, Fox MLB and NFL broadcaster Joe Buck, and former Yankee great turned adult film star Reggie Jackson.

While New York and New Jersey fans mourned the loss, an impromptu parade followed by city-wide riot has been unleashed on Boston, MA. More on this as it develops.

Judge Sentences Vick To Cat Ownership

In a surprising, and completely baffling move, a federal judge sentenced convicted dog-fighting ring operator Michael Vick to a lifetime of cat ownership. The move comes just days after Vick's first game back with the Philadelphia Eagles.

"I mulled over this decision a long time," said Judge Crackenbaum, while mulling over a glass of scotch. "It seemed to me that this would be the worst form of punishment for him. Cats are disloyal, untrainable, and generally spiteful towards humans, but are also completely adorable."

Animal rights activists were immediately concerned, however Judge Crackenbaum easily appeased them.

"An officer will check in daily to make sure Vick's cats are in perfect health. Actually, the cats will have substantially more rights than Michael."

Vick did not issue a statement, but was seen leaving a convenience store with hands full of milk bottles.

9 Out Of 10 People Were Unaware California Ever Stopped Burning

A poll conducted by S&F's Marketing and Research Squadron this weekend found that 90% of those polled did not find the recent fires in California to qualify as "news". In fact, 50% of the 90% repeatedly asked the poll conductors if they were aware of a fiery ball of light at the center of the solar system. The remaining 40% were unable to come up with a witty response on the spot.

The remaining 10% was made up of a convenience store employee who is "excited to talk to people anyway" and a pollster's grandmother who "enjoyed the visit, and hoped to see you again real soon."

Obama Loses "Motherfuckin' Wallet On The Motherfuckin' Plane"

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs informed reporters this morning that President Obama's wallet is missing, and he likely left it on a recent flight.

"He definitely lost the motherfucker.", said Gibbs.

President Obama, dressed in an unusual black suit and black tie, then issued a statement regarding his lost wallet.

"Please return my motherfuckin' wallet to my motherfuckin' pocket.", Obama said sternly. "Failure to do so will cause me to strike down upon you with great vengeance and furious anger."

When asked the appearance of the said wallet, Obama described it as "the one that says 'Bad Motherfucker' on it." He also mentioned that the money inside is not important, and could be kept by whoever finds it, so long as he "gets his 'Bad Motherfucker' back."

Mets Collectively Declare "Fuck It"

With previous injuries to Jose Reyes, Carlos Delgado, Carlos Beltran, John Maine, J.J. Putz, David Wright, Fernando Nieve, Jeff Francoeur, Alex Cora, Wilson Valdez, Jonathan Niese, and today's additions of Johan Santana and Oliver Perez both being out for the year, the New York Mets released the following statement:

"We, the New York Metropolitan baseball squadron pretty much throw in this year's towel. Fuck it. You know damn well we are finished this year. To prove this fact, we're taking every player of value off the field for the rest of the year.

All you "Miracle Mets" people, while we appreciate your positive thinking, fuck you. Its because of your needy bullshit that we kept wheeling our team out night after night, new injury after new injury, because you schmucks felt we "still had a shot". What exactly is wrong with you people? A shot? Look at the pile of dickheads that make up our team right now. We couldn't beat blind children in tag. Good luck with the Jets this year, guys.

We as an organization believe our woes are not due to lack of effort, but instead a result of a curse, and rather complex one at that. There is only one way to defeat black magic such as this - blacker magic.

Because we want to be a winning organization, we've sought out the blackest magic possible in the dark tentacled embrace of Cthulhu. Through his immense and limitless power, and our constant worship and sacrifice, you will see the Mets lifting next year's World Series trophy. Belief in Cthulhu makes it so.

Our savior, Cthulhu

We want to thank our fans for continuing to buy tickets to our games, and continuing to follow the team. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!

Signed, the 2009 New York Mets"

Conspiracy Theorists Out Of Ideas For Ted Kennedy

Following the death of Senator Edward "Ted" Kennedy from a lengthy battle with brain cancer, conspiracy theorists around the world are struggling to find some ulterior motives behind his passing.

"This is a sad day for all of us,"said Alex Jones, a conspiracy theory guru and radio host, "I have no doubt that Ted was killed by some branch of the Illuminati, but I can't for the life of me find any evidence to support it. Not that lack of evidence has ever stopped me before."

Jones theorizes that the magic bullet which killed Ted's brother, President John Fitzgerald Kennedy, may have been so "magical" that it ripped a hole in space and time. The bullet laid dormant in the space-time continuum for 46 years until now. What doctors saw as a disease like any other, Jones sees as a blatantly obvious murder perpetrated by....someone.

"Our reptilian banker overlords have the technology and the desire to do this," added Jones, as he autographed copies of his latest book, "I'm never fooled by their shenanigans.

Parents Humilated By Little League "Crybabies"

It was a sad day for parents of the Little League team from Mercer Island, Washington, but not just because of the 10-2 loss.

"I couldn't believe my eyes. They cried like children.", said Suzanne Wannamaker, mother of 2B Todd, "Not even children, more like little bitch children."

Besides poor sportsmanship, the children displayed a level of short-sidedness that their parents clearly abhorred.

"I was watching Abraham from the stands, and couldn't help but think how meaningless the Little League really is.", said Wesley Feichenbaum, who took the week off from a construction job to become his loser son's hankie-holder.

"I'm personally disgusted by my son's lack of class", he added while wiping Pabst Blue Ribbon from his beard.

The Little League World Series is held in Williamsport, PA to showcase young baseball talent in one of the most All-American of pointless activities. Almost undeserving of such media attention, the LLWS still manages to get Sportscenter moved to ESPN2 to the chagrin of the rest of the country. ESPN executives expressed disappointment at this development.

"Call me old-fashioned", said Tony Kornheiser, co-host of Pardon The Interruption, "But when I was growing up, we only cried when news of our dead relatives came back from the German Front. And even then, I was beaten unmericfully for showing any emotion. This is why I'm glad I never let my seed out to infect the world."

The children could not be reached for comment, but parents assured us "they would get something to cry about later."

As Cars For Clunkers Dies, Dollars For Douchebags Prepares To Launch

For those worried that the government is out of ideas to help our beleaguered economy, think again. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner formally announced the creation of the Fed's "Dollars For Douchebags" program.

"We had several guidelines while brainstorming the next form of economic stimulus", Geithner said, "It had to be something plentiful, but mostly something every American has access to, or can gain access to easily. That's when it hit me....America is more full of douchebags than it has ever been before!"

The Yard Douche, or Bro, is the most common species of douchebag. The species is plentiful throughout the northeasteren United States, but in recent years, its territory has spread to most major cities across the country. Lured by the sounds of pounding electronic music, the Bro is a pack creature, known for its craving of disgusting alcoholic beverages and Parliament Light cigarettes. They are extremely territorial when mating, although scientists believe they have an underlying allegiance to other members of the pack over females.

A pack of douchebags in the wild

Geithner later detailed that each douchebag can either be exchanged for new imported douche, or an equivalent cash advance towards to purchase of new home or car.

"The important thing is that the blue collar American taxpayer comes out on top with this program., "said Geithner while mixing a pitcher of Kool-Aid, "Not only do we improve society as a whole, but we open up whole sections of the job market. Think of all the times you've thought, 'How does that douchebag have that job, and walk around with that glare of satisfaction and accomplishment all the time?' Well, now he doesn't, but perhaps you can."

Editorial - The Dangers of Socialized Medicine by Beast Man

Eternian political discussions are much like those on your Earth planet. Royal government officials create law and socials programs, and I, Beast Man, attempt to destroy them. I'm not what you would call "savvy" on health care reform, but I do revel in the joys of public discourse.

First, and foremost, I am offended at your popular concept of "freedoms". You all seem to feel entitled to "rights" and "privileges" and "not dying needlessly". You all make me sick. Life is not full of these guarantees. Most of the time, you need to throw a boulder at your problems, and, occasionally, club your enemies to death.

I am in full support of those who are rebelling against Earth Warlord Prince Obama. I too know what it feels like to be oppressed. The political structure of Eternia consists of two parties: The Enternian Populist Peoples Party led by Prince Adam, and The Naturalized Brotherhood of Eternia led by Skeletor. Who isn't represented is this system? Begins with a "B" and ends with "east Man RAARRRRGHH".

The heart of my argument lies in my distaste for humanity. The less of you there are, the better it is for me. I'm Beast Man, not Human Man (or Man Man or Ape Dude....you get the idea).

The weak and poor of humanity shouldn't be entitled to live. The weak should be hunted and crushed (sometimes with boulders) by those strong enough, and with enough money to pay an already wealthy doctor to fix problems, which may or may not occur, through prescription drugs in an increasingly medicated society. That's what Beast Man is all about.

Iran Agrees to Peace Accord in Exchange for Draft Pick

In an unprecedented historical moment, Iranian Mahmoud Achmadinejad announced that after years of negotiations, his country would agree to abide by all U.S. policies in exchange for Obama's first round pick in next year's NFL Draft.

"I am pleased as punch to announce this trade," said Achmadinejad through his personal midget translator, "As far as I'm concerned, the Iranian people really come out on top. We'll have the opportunity to draft a player to build our franchise around."

Speculation has already begun as to which direction the Iranians will go when draft day comes. The frontrunners are the two top college quarterbacks; Oklahoma's Sam Bradford and Florida's Tim Tebow. Achmadinejad was very tight-lipped about his preference, stating that his main concern is that his pick be "clearly and truly non-homosexual", which most analysts believe drops Tebow out of the running.

Novak's Death Marks End of 1000 Year Reign of Terror

Political pundit and legendary vampire Robert Nosferatu Archibald Novak died yesterday, ending a era of bloodshed and fear that has gripped the world for nearly a millennium. Vampire hunter Sir Reginald Kennsington of Camden, NJ confirmed the slaying of the world's oldest, and possibly highest ranking vampire.

Prior to his most recent career in journalism, Novak reigned as the immortal warlord of Europe. His rampage began in unknown parts of present-day Romania is 1066, and soon he conquered most of Eastern Europe and Russia. With his superior strength and resistance to most weapons of the day, he went unchallenged for nearly 600 years. Upon the discovery of the New World, most of the population of Europe fled across the ocean knowing vampires have a non-sensical fear of water.

It wasn't until the end of World War II that Novak, no longer hungering for human flesh, secured an airplane to travel to Washington D.C., where he forced his way into a job as a journalist in which he flourished until his death.

The Vatican released a statement saying, "At last, God has chosen to vanquish the great evil from the Earth, as we said he would at some point."

In an unrelated note, Pope Benedict XVI will no longer be appearing publicly in any daytime setting.

Mets Pushed Hard To Get Favre

Hours after the press conference, Mets General Manager Omar Minaya assured disgruntled Mets fans that he did everything he could to sign then-retired NFL quarterback Brett Favre.

"I'm always looking for ways to make this team better. ", said Minaya, "If there's a talented player out there, you can be sure we're gonna try to get him."

When reached for comment, Favre expressed his doubts in converting to baseball this late in his career.

"I gave this a lot of thought," said Favre while surrounded by his Imperial Guard, "I made repeated attempts at leaping over the outfield wall in a celebratory fashion, but no dice. That thing is quite high, and let's face it, I'm not exactly too spry anymore."

Minaya also announced he will be bulldozing those walls to the ground later this week, although he emphasized that this move was totally unrelated to the failed Favre deal.

"With the team we have now, these goddamn fences are just too much trouble. We're going to make it more of a fan-friendly environment."

Obama: "I could sooooo use a mani/pedi day"

During Mondays town hall meeting in Montana, President Barack Obama revealed that the stress of his job has begun to take its toll on his body, specifically his hands and feet.

"Being President is an important job, but its, like, really hard to keep up with your appearance and stuff", said Obama as a he sipped an appletini. "If I don't get a day at the spa soon, people will totally think I'm like those other skanks."

Obama openly spoke about his inability to wear open-toed shoes, and how all his clothes "make his butt look really huge".

When asked about his proposed health care plan, Obama sharply replied, "OMG OMG I'm talking, kay?", and referred all further questioning to his hand.

Brett Favre Tearfully Ends Third Retirement

With what appeared to be a heavy heart, Brett Favre conceded to his fans today that he would be once again ending his retirement career.

"This isn't something I want to do," said a misty Favre as he reached for tissues repeatedly, "I no longer feel I can dedicate myself to being retired. This is why I will regretfully sign a contract with the Minnesota Vikings this afternoon. I am so sorry."

Favre has been battling the NFL for 4 years since his original retirement. While the volumes of photographs of his fishing trips and "spending time with his grandchildren" show a blissfully happy individual, they hold sharp contrast to game photos of his most recent forced "unretirement" with the New York Jets.

"It was just awful to see him out there like that. At 65 years old, just what is he supposed to do?" said friend and former teammate Donald Driver while being interviewed in a tanning bed.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell could not be reached for comment, but a representative at the league's central command bunker stated in no uncertain terms, the league "needed Brett Favre."

"I just want this nightmare to end." said Favre, "I want to be at peace."

Barack Obama mandates:"You all need to get AIDS and die."

In a move most Washington insiders found "stunningly unique", Barack Obama declared that his new health care reform bill will require that all United States citizens not only acquire AIDS, but die from it as well.

"For too long, the government has tried to stop the spread of AIDS amongst the American populace", said Obama while candidly eating a Creamsicle, "Under my health plan, there will be no child left behind.....without AIDS."

President Obama emphasized that this would be a temporary measure aimed at keeping costs of his radically offensive health care program down, but he was straight to the point that this is not a social program.

"Those who with to visit their own doctor with their own hard-earned money may do so, just so long as everyone gets the AIDS, change will come."

The President then rode a stallion bareback through the town hall meeting, throwing red, white and blue needles out of a large sack whilst trampling engaged onlookers.

My newest obsession

I'm going to make a life suggestion to you. If its 2 AM, and you're thinking you should call it a night, get your fucking ass to your television and culture yourself unconditionally with The Knife Show.

I never thought my life would feel so...inadequate...until I saw the abundance of knives and other stabbing weapons which I don't currently own. I don't have a mantle, but goddamn if I'm not considering making one. Where else would I display my limited edition full tang, stainless steel, deer stag bone-handled Dale Earnhardt memorial edition cockslicer with matching commemorative leather sheath on the included display stand???

I'm glued to this show for 2 hours at a clip, at minimum. Here's a few favorites from the other night:

-A gold (not real gold) plated western revolver, with flip-out knife blade. You're thinking, "Does the trigger cause the knife to shoot out?" Don't ask stupid questions, fucknut.

- A horrendously oversized dragon pendant. This confused me for a moment, as there was no obvious knife. But knife guy removed the end of the wings and the tail to reveal 3 undersized and useless knives. Brilliant.

-100 knives for $ 100. This seems to be standard for the Knife Show (one of these sets was featured on consecutive nights), but think of the possibilities of having 100 knives! I'd donate most of them to charity. No child should grow up knifeless.

-The commemorative "Trail of Tears" knife set. Some people say, "Trail of Tears"; I like to think of it as "The First Parade".

* * *

Through my very minimal brainstorming sessions, I find that America is my number one topic of interest. Sometimes we produce awful abominations, like American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Biggest Loser, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, CSI, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, The Olympics, Mad Money, Golden Girls, Lost, Entourage, Grey's Anatomy....

But then, out of no where, we get hit in the face with bricks from the heavens, and we get to order knives by phone. I can picture a bald eagle crying tears of reverence in front of a tank on a flag background.....emblazoned on a commemorative knife set.

America needs an epic goal

Today marks the 40th anniversary of the United States landing people on the moon. Although this event is widely accepted to be fake, it nonetheless was America's greatest achievement since we blew the crap out of Japan with atomic bombs. America was glued to its collective 500 lb. TV set, watching all the black and white glory on either of the two channels that existed.

How did we get to the moon? JFK said we were going, gave no hints as to how we would reach this insane goal, and somehow we did.

Now, more than ever, America needs a new insane goal; a plan so pointless that after we throw billions of dollars at it, there will be absolutely no return on it. Barack Obama--feel my wisdom.

Right now, we have a series of piss-poor excuses for national achievements:

The Economy- We're in a fight to defeat our own stock market's shitty investment scams. Let's all dance in the street when the deficit hits zero! This is a bullshit goal.

War on Terror- This sucks too. I feel like we've won this thing 8 times already. How many times to we have to kick the terrorists in the dick before we call it a win? We're seriously up 394,540,231.5 to 1 at this point. Mercy rule should be in effect soon.

Health Care Reform- We're actually trying to achieve the ability to go to hospitals we already have.

No. None of these have the awe-inspiring power of the moon landing. We need something brazenly dumb, yet with an air of accomplishment. Get your brainstorming helmets on, comrades. Here comes a stream of brilliance.

My Ideas

Idea 1- Build a big fucking thing.

Lewis Black, in his infinite wisdom, saw this to be true. It could be a building, or a monument to nothing, or a bridge long enough that cars can drive to England. Whatever, so long as its real fucking big and takes forever to build. Preferably, we should build a mountain. Not just any mountain; the BIGGEST GODDAMN MOUNTAIN. We shouldn't be satisfied until satellites are crashing into the side of it.

Idea 2- Land on the Sun

Barack Obama would shed a tear during his 14th consecutive inauguration while thinking back to the day he declared America would land men on the Sun by 2012. Scientists everywhere said it couldn't be done, yet 35 missions and 400 astronauts later, one dude touches the Sun with one foot, and he explodes in a shiny glory that still makes women more fertile than usual.

Idea 3- Conquer apes

We singlehandedly defeat the evolution/creationist argument by bombing all apes out of existence. There's no higher purpose to this. Its just something to do.

Idea 4- Find aliens, then defeat them

People claim aliens have been abducting and probing us for years. This time, we smoke 'em out of their holes in space and challenge them to a gladiatorial match- our champion vs. theirs in hand-to-hand combat. Once their guy shows up, we shoot him in the face, because "Fuck aliens".

Idea 5- Destroy Earth

Make other countries future achievements irrelevant. We do our best to leave the America portion untouched.

Just thinking about us accomplishing any of the above makes be cry red, white & blue tears of pride. It'd be like winning the Super Bowl and going to church wearing Bin Laden's skin as a cape.

Of course we'll probably end up with:

Idea 6- Make Rocky IV again. Beat Russians for old time's sake.

In honor of July 4th, it's time for patriotism

Due to the state of world affairs, I find it easy to believe that people aren't exactly beating down the door of the National Guard recruiting office these days. There's probably a bigger line outside the Christian Science Reading Room.

Fortunately, they must have a crack team of marketing and advertising specialists, because prior to showings at the movie theater, you get to have the following images forced into your eyeholes. I defy you not to crumble at the sheer awesomeness that is crammed into these 2 1/2 minutes.


When I first saw this in the theater, I had to be restrained from reaching for my iPhone and finding the nearest recruiting station. This shit hit me on all levels, and all I could think was, "Hot damn, the Army National Guard rocks the fucking house."

Firstly, it has Kid Rock - a true American. Sure, he used to sing about hookers, drugs and gang life in Detroit. But then he nailed Pam Anderson, repented, and now he is the ultimate champion of middle American values. Clearly, that midget he ran with was a bad influence, and is now burning in midget hell.

Second, as if Kid Rock wasn't enough America for you, let's toss in Dale Earnhart Jr. He drives a race car. A RACE CAR! It doesn't even matter that he never wins, or that the Army is shelling out money that could be used for the direct benefit of actual soldiers to splatter their logo on a race car. What matters is people connect with him, and he's glad to receive the check on their behalf. He understands your pain.

Kid Rock and Dale Jr. together are doing their part for our troops, by staying behind and continuing their over-the-top lifestyle. After all, our enemy hates our freedom, so we might as well flaunt the fuck out of it.

What's most important is how happy the soldiers look. Army life seems pretty okay. You wake up every morning, drive a Hummer, attend an all-male rock concert and get sme dude sweat going, and top it off with a romp around the racetrack (where there are also explosions and other dude stuff).

I'm getting a little turned on just think about it. The explosions that is...

Its also cool that the none of the soldiers were overseas. How else would they encounter all those young American children?


Us rascals weren't causin' no ruckas. Just look into my GIANT EYES!

My question, naturally, is why aren't these children in school. This is Texas, after all.

In short, the Army is painting a positive picture with this ad. A world where we've already kicked terror's ass, but we still need people to help us in case of flooding and stuff. Because the National Guard is about fun. Not like those Marine ads, where no one seems to be smiling, and there's at least 120% less rocking.

Yeah, those are depressing.

The Agony of White People and the High Five

More often than any functional human should, I find myself in front of the television on my third consecutive episode of Cash Cab. For those unfamiliar with Cash Cab, the host of the show, who drives the cleanest taxi in Manhattan, picks up “unsuspecting” people to play a quiz game show while on the way to their destination. Inevitably, the “unsuspecting” people are nicely dressed Manhattanites who never seem all that happy about winning several hundred dollars by answering questions from the Trivial Pursuit Teen Genius Edition.

 But regardless of the money, every one of them revels in the teamwork and the collective triumph of defeating the mental gauntlet that is Cash Cab. Which brings me to my point.

 Its guaranteed that at some point, once all the contestants have realized the magnitude of what they've become involved in, they become so overcome with competitive juices and have no natural way to channel it. Suddenly, during an anxious post-question moment of joy, one contestant's arm sees only one way to express all this raw power – a high five.

 The high five is one of humanity's greatest celebratory acts. The basic high five involves two participants, both facing front. Both raise their hands up, palms facing forward, and simultaneously extend them forward and slam their hands together. The noise this produces is among the most exciting sounds in the world.  

 Up until the invention of the high five, the traditional method of celebrating an accomplishment was to bang skulls together like two feuding goats. Due to the frequency of this behavior, its not surprising in took tens of thousands of years (5,000 Bible Years) to develop a safer, and more refined, interaction.

 Back to Cash Cab.....

 Its not that two ordinary white people would be unable to throw a high five. As explained above, its a relatively simple act. The problem is that the two parties become uncertain of each other's intentions. There is always a slight hesitation on one party which throws off the timing and commitment of the other. The result is one hand shooting past the other, and two faces filled with humiliation.

 This is an how bad off we are as a society. We can't even fucking high five properly without consciously debating whether its the right course of action. I fear that at some point in the future, we will become so self conscious that we'll revert back to a firm handshake and chanting “Bully”.

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