The Agony of White People and the High Five

More often than any functional human should, I find myself in front of the television on my third consecutive episode of Cash Cab. For those unfamiliar with Cash Cab, the host of the show, who drives the cleanest taxi in Manhattan, picks up “unsuspecting” people to play a quiz game show while on the way to their destination. Inevitably, the “unsuspecting” people are nicely dressed Manhattanites who never seem all that happy about winning several hundred dollars by answering questions from the Trivial Pursuit Teen Genius Edition.

 But regardless of the money, every one of them revels in the teamwork and the collective triumph of defeating the mental gauntlet that is Cash Cab. Which brings me to my point.

 Its guaranteed that at some point, once all the contestants have realized the magnitude of what they've become involved in, they become so overcome with competitive juices and have no natural way to channel it. Suddenly, during an anxious post-question moment of joy, one contestant's arm sees only one way to express all this raw power – a high five.

 The high five is one of humanity's greatest celebratory acts. The basic high five involves two participants, both facing front. Both raise their hands up, palms facing forward, and simultaneously extend them forward and slam their hands together. The noise this produces is among the most exciting sounds in the world.  

 Up until the invention of the high five, the traditional method of celebrating an accomplishment was to bang skulls together like two feuding goats. Due to the frequency of this behavior, its not surprising in took tens of thousands of years (5,000 Bible Years) to develop a safer, and more refined, interaction.

 Back to Cash Cab.....

 Its not that two ordinary white people would be unable to throw a high five. As explained above, its a relatively simple act. The problem is that the two parties become uncertain of each other's intentions. There is always a slight hesitation on one party which throws off the timing and commitment of the other. The result is one hand shooting past the other, and two faces filled with humiliation.

 This is an how bad off we are as a society. We can't even fucking high five properly without consciously debating whether its the right course of action. I fear that at some point in the future, we will become so self conscious that we'll revert back to a firm handshake and chanting “Bully”.

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