For those worried that the government is out of ideas to help our beleaguered economy, think again. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner formally announced the creation of the Fed's "Dollars For Douchebags" program."We had several guidelines while brainstorming the next form of economic stimulus", Geithner said, "It had to be something plentiful, but mostly something every American has access to, or can gain access to easily. That's when it hit me....America is more full of douchebags than it has ever been before!"
The Yard Douche, or Bro, is the most common species of douchebag. The species is plentiful throughout the northeasteren United States, but in recent years, its territory has spread to most major cities across the country. Lured by the sounds of pounding electronic music, the Bro is a pack creature, known for its craving of disgusting alcoholic beverages and Parliament Light cigarettes. They are extremely territorial when mating, although scientists believe they have an underlying allegiance to other members of the pack over females.
A pack of douchebags in the wild
Geithner later detailed that each douchebag can either be exchanged for new imported douche, or an equivalent cash advance towards to purchase of new home or car.
"The important thing is that the blue collar American taxpayer comes out on top with this program., "said Geithner while mixing a pitcher of Kool-Aid, "Not only do we improve society as a whole, but we open up whole sections of the job market. Think of all the times you've thought, 'How does that douchebag have that job, and walk around with that glare of satisfaction and accomplishment all the time?' Well, now he doesn't, but perhaps you can."
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