Mets Collectively Declare "Fuck It"

With previous injuries to Jose Reyes, Carlos Delgado, Carlos Beltran, John Maine, J.J. Putz, David Wright, Fernando Nieve, Jeff Francoeur, Alex Cora, Wilson Valdez, Jonathan Niese, and today's additions of Johan Santana and Oliver Perez both being out for the year, the New York Mets released the following statement:

"We, the New York Metropolitan baseball squadron pretty much throw in this year's towel. Fuck it. You know damn well we are finished this year. To prove this fact, we're taking every player of value off the field for the rest of the year.

All you "Miracle Mets" people, while we appreciate your positive thinking, fuck you. Its because of your needy bullshit that we kept wheeling our team out night after night, new injury after new injury, because you schmucks felt we "still had a shot". What exactly is wrong with you people? A shot? Look at the pile of dickheads that make up our team right now. We couldn't beat blind children in tag. Good luck with the Jets this year, guys.

We as an organization believe our woes are not due to lack of effort, but instead a result of a curse, and rather complex one at that. There is only one way to defeat black magic such as this - blacker magic.

Because we want to be a winning organization, we've sought out the blackest magic possible in the dark tentacled embrace of Cthulhu. Through his immense and limitless power, and our constant worship and sacrifice, you will see the Mets lifting next year's World Series trophy. Belief in Cthulhu makes it so.

Our savior, Cthulhu

We want to thank our fans for continuing to buy tickets to our games, and continuing to follow the team. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!

Signed, the 2009 New York Mets"