In a surprising, and completely baffling move, a federal judge sentenced convicted dog-fighting ring operator Michael Vick to a lifetime of cat ownership. The move comes just days after Vick's first game back with the Philadelphia Eagles.
"I mulled over this decision a long time," said Judge Crackenbaum, while mulling over a glass of scotch. "It seemed to me that this would be the worst form of punishment for him. Cats are disloyal, untrainable, and generally spiteful towards humans, but are also completely adorable."
Animal rights activists were immediately concerned, however Judge Crackenbaum easily appeased them.
"An officer will check in daily to make sure Vick's cats are in perfect health. Actually, the cats will have substantially more rights than Michael."
Vick did not issue a statement, but was seen leaving a convenience store with hands full of milk bottles.
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