Political pundit and legendary vampire Robert Nosferatu Archibald Novak died yesterday, ending a era of bloodshed and fear that has gripped the world for nearly a millennium. Vampire hunter Sir Reginald Kennsington of Camden, NJ confirmed the slaying of the world's oldest, and possibly highest ranking vampire.
Prior to his most recent career in journalism, Novak reigned as the immortal warlord of Europe. His rampage began in unknown parts of present-day Romania is 1066, and soon he conquered most of Eastern Europe and Russia. With his superior strength and resistance to most weapons of the day, he went unchallenged for nearly 600 years. Upon the discovery of the New World, most of the population of Europe fled across the ocean knowing vampires have a non-sensical fear of water.
It wasn't until the end of World War II that Novak, no longer hungering for human flesh, secured an airplane to travel to Washington D.C., where he forced his way into a job as a journalist in which he flourished until his death.
The Vatican released a statement saying, "At last, God has chosen to vanquish the great evil from the Earth, as we said he would at some point."
In an unrelated note, Pope Benedict XVI will no longer be appearing publicly in any daytime setting.
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