Judge Sentences Vick To Cat Ownership

In a surprising, and completely baffling move, a federal judge sentenced convicted dog-fighting ring operator Michael Vick to a lifetime of cat ownership. The move comes just days after Vick's first game back with the Philadelphia Eagles.

"I mulled over this decision a long time," said Judge Crackenbaum, while mulling over a glass of scotch. "It seemed to me that this would be the worst form of punishment for him. Cats are disloyal, untrainable, and generally spiteful towards humans, but are also completely adorable."

Animal rights activists were immediately concerned, however Judge Crackenbaum easily appeased them.

"An officer will check in daily to make sure Vick's cats are in perfect health. Actually, the cats will have substantially more rights than Michael."

Vick did not issue a statement, but was seen leaving a convenience store with hands full of milk bottles.

9 Out Of 10 People Were Unaware California Ever Stopped Burning

A poll conducted by S&F's Marketing and Research Squadron this weekend found that 90% of those polled did not find the recent fires in California to qualify as "news". In fact, 50% of the 90% repeatedly asked the poll conductors if they were aware of a fiery ball of light at the center of the solar system. The remaining 40% were unable to come up with a witty response on the spot.

The remaining 10% was made up of a convenience store employee who is "excited to talk to people anyway" and a pollster's grandmother who "enjoyed the visit, and hoped to see you again real soon."

Obama Loses "Motherfuckin' Wallet On The Motherfuckin' Plane"

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs informed reporters this morning that President Obama's wallet is missing, and he likely left it on a recent flight.

"He definitely lost the motherfucker.", said Gibbs.

President Obama, dressed in an unusual black suit and black tie, then issued a statement regarding his lost wallet.

"Please return my motherfuckin' wallet to my motherfuckin' pocket.", Obama said sternly. "Failure to do so will cause me to strike down upon you with great vengeance and furious anger."

When asked the appearance of the said wallet, Obama described it as "the one that says 'Bad Motherfucker' on it." He also mentioned that the money inside is not important, and could be kept by whoever finds it, so long as he "gets his 'Bad Motherfucker' back."

Mets Collectively Declare "Fuck It"

With previous injuries to Jose Reyes, Carlos Delgado, Carlos Beltran, John Maine, J.J. Putz, David Wright, Fernando Nieve, Jeff Francoeur, Alex Cora, Wilson Valdez, Jonathan Niese, and today's additions of Johan Santana and Oliver Perez both being out for the year, the New York Mets released the following statement:

"We, the New York Metropolitan baseball squadron pretty much throw in this year's towel. Fuck it. You know damn well we are finished this year. To prove this fact, we're taking every player of value off the field for the rest of the year.

All you "Miracle Mets" people, while we appreciate your positive thinking, fuck you. Its because of your needy bullshit that we kept wheeling our team out night after night, new injury after new injury, because you schmucks felt we "still had a shot". What exactly is wrong with you people? A shot? Look at the pile of dickheads that make up our team right now. We couldn't beat blind children in tag. Good luck with the Jets this year, guys.

We as an organization believe our woes are not due to lack of effort, but instead a result of a curse, and rather complex one at that. There is only one way to defeat black magic such as this - blacker magic.

Because we want to be a winning organization, we've sought out the blackest magic possible in the dark tentacled embrace of Cthulhu. Through his immense and limitless power, and our constant worship and sacrifice, you will see the Mets lifting next year's World Series trophy. Belief in Cthulhu makes it so.

Our savior, Cthulhu

We want to thank our fans for continuing to buy tickets to our games, and continuing to follow the team. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!

Signed, the 2009 New York Mets"

Conspiracy Theorists Out Of Ideas For Ted Kennedy

Following the death of Senator Edward "Ted" Kennedy from a lengthy battle with brain cancer, conspiracy theorists around the world are struggling to find some ulterior motives behind his passing.

"This is a sad day for all of us,"said Alex Jones, a conspiracy theory guru and radio host, "I have no doubt that Ted was killed by some branch of the Illuminati, but I can't for the life of me find any evidence to support it. Not that lack of evidence has ever stopped me before."

Jones theorizes that the magic bullet which killed Ted's brother, President John Fitzgerald Kennedy, may have been so "magical" that it ripped a hole in space and time. The bullet laid dormant in the space-time continuum for 46 years until now. What doctors saw as a disease like any other, Jones sees as a blatantly obvious murder perpetrated by....someone.

"Our reptilian banker overlords have the technology and the desire to do this," added Jones, as he autographed copies of his latest book, "I'm never fooled by their shenanigans.

Parents Humilated By Little League "Crybabies"

It was a sad day for parents of the Little League team from Mercer Island, Washington, but not just because of the 10-2 loss.

"I couldn't believe my eyes. They cried like children.", said Suzanne Wannamaker, mother of 2B Todd, "Not even children, more like little bitch children."

Besides poor sportsmanship, the children displayed a level of short-sidedness that their parents clearly abhorred.

"I was watching Abraham from the stands, and couldn't help but think how meaningless the Little League really is.", said Wesley Feichenbaum, who took the week off from a construction job to become his loser son's hankie-holder.

"I'm personally disgusted by my son's lack of class", he added while wiping Pabst Blue Ribbon from his beard.

The Little League World Series is held in Williamsport, PA to showcase young baseball talent in one of the most All-American of pointless activities. Almost undeserving of such media attention, the LLWS still manages to get Sportscenter moved to ESPN2 to the chagrin of the rest of the country. ESPN executives expressed disappointment at this development.

"Call me old-fashioned", said Tony Kornheiser, co-host of Pardon The Interruption, "But when I was growing up, we only cried when news of our dead relatives came back from the German Front. And even then, I was beaten unmericfully for showing any emotion. This is why I'm glad I never let my seed out to infect the world."

The children could not be reached for comment, but parents assured us "they would get something to cry about later."

As Cars For Clunkers Dies, Dollars For Douchebags Prepares To Launch

For those worried that the government is out of ideas to help our beleaguered economy, think again. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner formally announced the creation of the Fed's "Dollars For Douchebags" program.

"We had several guidelines while brainstorming the next form of economic stimulus", Geithner said, "It had to be something plentiful, but mostly something every American has access to, or can gain access to easily. That's when it hit me....America is more full of douchebags than it has ever been before!"

The Yard Douche, or Bro, is the most common species of douchebag. The species is plentiful throughout the northeasteren United States, but in recent years, its territory has spread to most major cities across the country. Lured by the sounds of pounding electronic music, the Bro is a pack creature, known for its craving of disgusting alcoholic beverages and Parliament Light cigarettes. They are extremely territorial when mating, although scientists believe they have an underlying allegiance to other members of the pack over females.

A pack of douchebags in the wild

Geithner later detailed that each douchebag can either be exchanged for new imported douche, or an equivalent cash advance towards to purchase of new home or car.

"The important thing is that the blue collar American taxpayer comes out on top with this program., "said Geithner while mixing a pitcher of Kool-Aid, "Not only do we improve society as a whole, but we open up whole sections of the job market. Think of all the times you've thought, 'How does that douchebag have that job, and walk around with that glare of satisfaction and accomplishment all the time?' Well, now he doesn't, but perhaps you can."

Editorial - The Dangers of Socialized Medicine by Beast Man

Eternian political discussions are much like those on your Earth planet. Royal government officials create law and socials programs, and I, Beast Man, attempt to destroy them. I'm not what you would call "savvy" on health care reform, but I do revel in the joys of public discourse.

First, and foremost, I am offended at your popular concept of "freedoms". You all seem to feel entitled to "rights" and "privileges" and "not dying needlessly". You all make me sick. Life is not full of these guarantees. Most of the time, you need to throw a boulder at your problems, and, occasionally, club your enemies to death.

I am in full support of those who are rebelling against Earth Warlord Prince Obama. I too know what it feels like to be oppressed. The political structure of Eternia consists of two parties: The Enternian Populist Peoples Party led by Prince Adam, and The Naturalized Brotherhood of Eternia led by Skeletor. Who isn't represented is this system? Begins with a "B" and ends with "east Man RAARRRRGHH".

The heart of my argument lies in my distaste for humanity. The less of you there are, the better it is for me. I'm Beast Man, not Human Man (or Man Man or Ape Dude....you get the idea).

The weak and poor of humanity shouldn't be entitled to live. The weak should be hunted and crushed (sometimes with boulders) by those strong enough, and with enough money to pay an already wealthy doctor to fix problems, which may or may not occur, through prescription drugs in an increasingly medicated society. That's what Beast Man is all about.

Iran Agrees to Peace Accord in Exchange for Draft Pick

In an unprecedented historical moment, Iranian Mahmoud Achmadinejad announced that after years of negotiations, his country would agree to abide by all U.S. policies in exchange for Obama's first round pick in next year's NFL Draft.

"I am pleased as punch to announce this trade," said Achmadinejad through his personal midget translator, "As far as I'm concerned, the Iranian people really come out on top. We'll have the opportunity to draft a player to build our franchise around."

Speculation has already begun as to which direction the Iranians will go when draft day comes. The frontrunners are the two top college quarterbacks; Oklahoma's Sam Bradford and Florida's Tim Tebow. Achmadinejad was very tight-lipped about his preference, stating that his main concern is that his pick be "clearly and truly non-homosexual", which most analysts believe drops Tebow out of the running.

Novak's Death Marks End of 1000 Year Reign of Terror

Political pundit and legendary vampire Robert Nosferatu Archibald Novak died yesterday, ending a era of bloodshed and fear that has gripped the world for nearly a millennium. Vampire hunter Sir Reginald Kennsington of Camden, NJ confirmed the slaying of the world's oldest, and possibly highest ranking vampire.

Prior to his most recent career in journalism, Novak reigned as the immortal warlord of Europe. His rampage began in unknown parts of present-day Romania is 1066, and soon he conquered most of Eastern Europe and Russia. With his superior strength and resistance to most weapons of the day, he went unchallenged for nearly 600 years. Upon the discovery of the New World, most of the population of Europe fled across the ocean knowing vampires have a non-sensical fear of water.

It wasn't until the end of World War II that Novak, no longer hungering for human flesh, secured an airplane to travel to Washington D.C., where he forced his way into a job as a journalist in which he flourished until his death.

The Vatican released a statement saying, "At last, God has chosen to vanquish the great evil from the Earth, as we said he would at some point."

In an unrelated note, Pope Benedict XVI will no longer be appearing publicly in any daytime setting.

Mets Pushed Hard To Get Favre

Hours after the press conference, Mets General Manager Omar Minaya assured disgruntled Mets fans that he did everything he could to sign then-retired NFL quarterback Brett Favre.

"I'm always looking for ways to make this team better. ", said Minaya, "If there's a talented player out there, you can be sure we're gonna try to get him."

When reached for comment, Favre expressed his doubts in converting to baseball this late in his career.

"I gave this a lot of thought," said Favre while surrounded by his Imperial Guard, "I made repeated attempts at leaping over the outfield wall in a celebratory fashion, but no dice. That thing is quite high, and let's face it, I'm not exactly too spry anymore."

Minaya also announced he will be bulldozing those walls to the ground later this week, although he emphasized that this move was totally unrelated to the failed Favre deal.

"With the team we have now, these goddamn fences are just too much trouble. We're going to make it more of a fan-friendly environment."

Obama: "I could sooooo use a mani/pedi day"

During Mondays town hall meeting in Montana, President Barack Obama revealed that the stress of his job has begun to take its toll on his body, specifically his hands and feet.

"Being President is an important job, but its, like, really hard to keep up with your appearance and stuff", said Obama as a he sipped an appletini. "If I don't get a day at the spa soon, people will totally think I'm like those other skanks."

Obama openly spoke about his inability to wear open-toed shoes, and how all his clothes "make his butt look really huge".

When asked about his proposed health care plan, Obama sharply replied, "OMG OMG I'm talking, kay?", and referred all further questioning to his hand.

Brett Favre Tearfully Ends Third Retirement

With what appeared to be a heavy heart, Brett Favre conceded to his fans today that he would be once again ending his retirement career.

"This isn't something I want to do," said a misty Favre as he reached for tissues repeatedly, "I no longer feel I can dedicate myself to being retired. This is why I will regretfully sign a contract with the Minnesota Vikings this afternoon. I am so sorry."

Favre has been battling the NFL for 4 years since his original retirement. While the volumes of photographs of his fishing trips and "spending time with his grandchildren" show a blissfully happy individual, they hold sharp contrast to game photos of his most recent forced "unretirement" with the New York Jets.

"It was just awful to see him out there like that. At 65 years old, just what is he supposed to do?" said friend and former teammate Donald Driver while being interviewed in a tanning bed.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell could not be reached for comment, but a representative at the league's central command bunker stated in no uncertain terms, the league "needed Brett Favre."

"I just want this nightmare to end." said Favre, "I want to be at peace."

Barack Obama mandates:"You all need to get AIDS and die."

In a move most Washington insiders found "stunningly unique", Barack Obama declared that his new health care reform bill will require that all United States citizens not only acquire AIDS, but die from it as well.

"For too long, the government has tried to stop the spread of AIDS amongst the American populace", said Obama while candidly eating a Creamsicle, "Under my health plan, there will be no child left behind.....without AIDS."

President Obama emphasized that this would be a temporary measure aimed at keeping costs of his radically offensive health care program down, but he was straight to the point that this is not a social program.

"Those who with to visit their own doctor with their own hard-earned money may do so, just so long as everyone gets the AIDS, change will come."

The President then rode a stallion bareback through the town hall meeting, throwing red, white and blue needles out of a large sack whilst trampling engaged onlookers.