A-Rod: "I'm Totally Gay....For This New Ascot!"

Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez came out of the figurative closet today, and disclosed his undying homosexual love for clothing.

"Some people are gay for people," said Rodriguez with a sheepish grin, "But for me, its all about looking good, and being gay for the things I wear."

The proud owner of the biggest baseball contract in the history of Earth and the Multiverse, "A-Rod" has limitless resources to pursue his wardrobe fantasies. Among his collection are the actual costumes worn by David Bowie in Labyrinth and the corset and garter combo set which adored the body of Tim Curry in Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Rodriguez expressed that he is no longer satisfied with greatness on the diamond, and with the blessings of fellow clothing homo and celebrity bicycle, Kate Hudson, he has decided to pursue fabulousness with all of his energy.

"I'm tired of being A-Rod," said Rodriguez between sips of Mochatini, "I want to be A-Mazing."

New Stadium Allows Cowboys To Lose In Front Of More Fans

Texans from hundreds of miles across Texas were overjoyed at the opening of the Dallas Cowboys new $1 billion stadium last night. The stadium, named Cowboy Stadium by a local third grade shop class, held an NFL record 105,000 fans at last night's opening game, and subsequent loss to the New York Football Giants.

Cowboys owner, and part-time carnival ride operator, Jerry Jones was on-hand along side Cowboy greats Emmit Smith, Troy Aikman and Michael Irvin and other Texas celebrities. Local "President guy" George W. Bush performed the opening coin toss, but entered a confused rage when told the coin did not literally have a tail.

Following the subsequent firefight and traditional cow-hangin', a football game ensued, and the 100,000+ bore witness to the gutsy and "unconventional" decision making of Dallas quarterback Tony Romo. Romo's 3 interceptions allowed the Cowboys to seal a 1-point loss. Romo, however, was more excited about the new nickname he came up with.

"It came to me in a dream last night," said Romo in his post-game smoking jacket, "There was this weird naked Indian guy, and after we made love, he called me 'Tomo'. I told the guys about it and they agree, its hilarious."

"The hard part for the fans will be finding a way to rhyme it.", Romo added.

Jerry Jones was pleased with the outcome, and pledged to take a "money bath" as soon as he molts and sheds his skin. He then left the interview and began to rub his back on the bark of a local tree.

Enzyte Bob Indicted On 48 Counts Of Sexual Assault

The man known around the world as "Smilin' Bob" from the Enzyte commercials was officially charged in New Jersey Superior Court with an earth-shattering 48 counts of sexual assault. A grand jury was convinced not only by a mountain of evidence and eyewitness testimony, but by the completely unrepentant grin of pleasure which never left Smilin' Bob's face.

Mr. Bob's attorney, H.R. MacNichols, Esq., maintained confidence in his client's innocence.

"What we have here is a case of people taking advantage of a person's celebrity status," said MacNichols with a stupid smile on his face, "Just because my client is contractually obligated to take large doses of Enzyte daily, and that he is a walking and raging erection, is purely circumstantial."

With his accusers looking on, Mr. Bob listened as the prosecutor read off the list of charges with what appeared to be a look of pleasure mixed with arrogance. Occasionally, the desk in front of him appeared to move up for a few seconds, followed by a call for recess.

"My client is not fit to stand trial," Mr. MacNicols continued, "The 'blast of confidence' which Enzyte provides him with has rendered him a walking pleasure factory, with no ability to control his actions. However, for those wondering, his penis has grown in size."

Obama Beats Up Child; Enjoys Iced Tea

President Barack Obama symbolically fought a child on the White House lawn, inflicting what he called "a serious ass beating" on the confused youngster. Obama did this as a warning to all parents who have been openly criticizing his reforms, and fearing he would harm their children.

"You want to see harm? I'll show you harm!", bellowed Obama as he delivered yet another kick to the ribs of his 8 year old victim, "Do you see it? I'm literally hurting a child. Don't you all see how literal this is? This is in no way a metaphor."

Parents across the country have been taking Obama's reforms personally, and were vocal over their concerns that Obama would try to hurt their children through social programs, but they never imagined this kind of literal and blatant form of child abuse.

The child was not identified, but Obama, while sitting in his Presidential rocking chair drinking a comically large glass of iced tea, assured parents that "he could be anybody. Just you wait."

Summer Suffers Early Knockout

Despite a late start, and a season-long lackluster effort, Summer appeared to be going strong until the stiff punch to the gut delivered by fall. It was a disappointing year for Summer.

"I wasn't serious about my conditioning this spring, and I paid for it down the stretch," said Summer....somehow, "Its going to be a long off-season, but one I'll learn from."

This year's summer could be best referred to as "unorthodox", as instead of the usual searing heat and sunlight, summer instead opted for two months of near-constant rain, followed by an ungodly heat and then a sudden and abrupt cooling of the earth. Much like a Speedo full of ice cubes, Summer ended its season with a icy paralysis of everything you love, and leaves you with the disappointing that there was more you could do, but its hard to started.

Bacon Named "Official Meat Of Planet Earth And Also Universe"

Governments around the world ceased all non-peaceful actions this afternoon, and rejoiced in a unified declaration of togetherness. The catalyst for this sudden change - bacon. After centuries of squabble and disagreement, world leaders from all cultures realized that there was indeed one thing they could agree on, and that is that they can't get enough of bacon.

As with most of the bright spots in history, it started with the United States.

"I was teleconferencing this morning with Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, and in the midst of our usual angry shouting match,", said President Obama, "One of my aides interrupted by delivering my breakfast, and since the meeting was going nowhere, I decided I would just eat it in front of him. And then it happened."

"I saw his plate was predominantly filled with the heavenly meat known as 'bacon', and realized that deep down, our people are not that different.", said Chavez, while slicking his hair back with lard, "It was time to change."

Within hours, news of the U.S.-Venezuala peace accord spread like a greasy fire around the globe. The Japanese leadership boarded a ship to meet for an impromptu brunch with Kim Jong-Il in the middle of the Sea of Japan. The backdrop for the event was the Korean leader dumping his nuclear arsenal into the ocean.

Even in the Islamic world, where pork is shunned religiously, there was a moment of clarity. Arab leaders admitted they had no problem with eating bacon, but had kept up appearances for years to keep a wedge between cultures, a wedge which is now shattered with the cast iron pan of world peace.

Israeli and Palestinian alike mingled in the streets like old friends. Iraqi insurgents locked arms with America G.I.'s around a steaming griddle. Even the estranged members of Pink Floyd were seen crying in each others arms above a sizzling plate.

Truly, this is a day that shall never be forgotten. The day man became one....one with bacon.

Entire Yankees Team Presumed Dead In Freak Lightning Attack

Yankees fans awoke this morning to the sorrowful news that the entire New York Yankees team was killed last night in Baltimore. The team's hotel was hit with what eyewitnesses described as "a massive barrage of lightning from the heavens", leaving local authorities to pick up the pieces.

"I know the phrase 'act of god' is most often used to describe weather," said MLB commissioner Bud Selig, "But this is more specifically an act of a very real, and incredibly vengeful god."

Onlookers watch in amazement and horror around 3AM this morning at the heavenly spectacle. According to eyewitness accounts the skies above the hotel turned a bright shade of red, and audible laughter could be heard booming through the cities. Then the lighting strikes began, and within minutes the entire hotel was ashes. One onlooker described the destruction as "like that time on CNN when we was freeing Iraq".

The tragedy was multiplied when it was learned that additional guests were present in the hotel, including Yankee broadcaster Michael Kay, Fox MLB and NFL broadcaster Joe Buck, and former Yankee great turned adult film star Reggie Jackson.

While New York and New Jersey fans mourned the loss, an impromptu parade followed by city-wide riot has been unleashed on Boston, MA. More on this as it develops.