My newest obsession

I'm going to make a life suggestion to you. If its 2 AM, and you're thinking you should call it a night, get your fucking ass to your television and culture yourself unconditionally with The Knife Show.

I never thought my life would feel so...inadequate...until I saw the abundance of knives and other stabbing weapons which I don't currently own. I don't have a mantle, but goddamn if I'm not considering making one. Where else would I display my limited edition full tang, stainless steel, deer stag bone-handled Dale Earnhardt memorial edition cockslicer with matching commemorative leather sheath on the included display stand???

I'm glued to this show for 2 hours at a clip, at minimum. Here's a few favorites from the other night:

-A gold (not real gold) plated western revolver, with flip-out knife blade. You're thinking, "Does the trigger cause the knife to shoot out?" Don't ask stupid questions, fucknut.

- A horrendously oversized dragon pendant. This confused me for a moment, as there was no obvious knife. But knife guy removed the end of the wings and the tail to reveal 3 undersized and useless knives. Brilliant.

-100 knives for $ 100. This seems to be standard for the Knife Show (one of these sets was featured on consecutive nights), but think of the possibilities of having 100 knives! I'd donate most of them to charity. No child should grow up knifeless.

-The commemorative "Trail of Tears" knife set. Some people say, "Trail of Tears"; I like to think of it as "The First Parade".

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Through my very minimal brainstorming sessions, I find that America is my number one topic of interest. Sometimes we produce awful abominations, like American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Biggest Loser, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, CSI, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, The Olympics, Mad Money, Golden Girls, Lost, Entourage, Grey's Anatomy....

But then, out of no where, we get hit in the face with bricks from the heavens, and we get to order knives by phone. I can picture a bald eagle crying tears of reverence in front of a tank on a flag background.....emblazoned on a commemorative knife set.

America needs an epic goal

Today marks the 40th anniversary of the United States landing people on the moon. Although this event is widely accepted to be fake, it nonetheless was America's greatest achievement since we blew the crap out of Japan with atomic bombs. America was glued to its collective 500 lb. TV set, watching all the black and white glory on either of the two channels that existed.

How did we get to the moon? JFK said we were going, gave no hints as to how we would reach this insane goal, and somehow we did.

Now, more than ever, America needs a new insane goal; a plan so pointless that after we throw billions of dollars at it, there will be absolutely no return on it. Barack Obama--feel my wisdom.

Right now, we have a series of piss-poor excuses for national achievements:

The Economy- We're in a fight to defeat our own stock market's shitty investment scams. Let's all dance in the street when the deficit hits zero! This is a bullshit goal.

War on Terror- This sucks too. I feel like we've won this thing 8 times already. How many times to we have to kick the terrorists in the dick before we call it a win? We're seriously up 394,540,231.5 to 1 at this point. Mercy rule should be in effect soon.

Health Care Reform- We're actually trying to achieve the ability to go to hospitals we already have.

No. None of these have the awe-inspiring power of the moon landing. We need something brazenly dumb, yet with an air of accomplishment. Get your brainstorming helmets on, comrades. Here comes a stream of brilliance.

My Ideas

Idea 1- Build a big fucking thing.

Lewis Black, in his infinite wisdom, saw this to be true. It could be a building, or a monument to nothing, or a bridge long enough that cars can drive to England. Whatever, so long as its real fucking big and takes forever to build. Preferably, we should build a mountain. Not just any mountain; the BIGGEST GODDAMN MOUNTAIN. We shouldn't be satisfied until satellites are crashing into the side of it.

Idea 2- Land on the Sun

Barack Obama would shed a tear during his 14th consecutive inauguration while thinking back to the day he declared America would land men on the Sun by 2012. Scientists everywhere said it couldn't be done, yet 35 missions and 400 astronauts later, one dude touches the Sun with one foot, and he explodes in a shiny glory that still makes women more fertile than usual.

Idea 3- Conquer apes

We singlehandedly defeat the evolution/creationist argument by bombing all apes out of existence. There's no higher purpose to this. Its just something to do.

Idea 4- Find aliens, then defeat them

People claim aliens have been abducting and probing us for years. This time, we smoke 'em out of their holes in space and challenge them to a gladiatorial match- our champion vs. theirs in hand-to-hand combat. Once their guy shows up, we shoot him in the face, because "Fuck aliens".

Idea 5- Destroy Earth

Make other countries future achievements irrelevant. We do our best to leave the America portion untouched.

Just thinking about us accomplishing any of the above makes be cry red, white & blue tears of pride. It'd be like winning the Super Bowl and going to church wearing Bin Laden's skin as a cape.

Of course we'll probably end up with:

Idea 6- Make Rocky IV again. Beat Russians for old time's sake.

In honor of July 4th, it's time for patriotism

Due to the state of world affairs, I find it easy to believe that people aren't exactly beating down the door of the National Guard recruiting office these days. There's probably a bigger line outside the Christian Science Reading Room.

Fortunately, they must have a crack team of marketing and advertising specialists, because prior to showings at the movie theater, you get to have the following images forced into your eyeholes. I defy you not to crumble at the sheer awesomeness that is crammed into these 2 1/2 minutes.


When I first saw this in the theater, I had to be restrained from reaching for my iPhone and finding the nearest recruiting station. This shit hit me on all levels, and all I could think was, "Hot damn, the Army National Guard rocks the fucking house."

Firstly, it has Kid Rock - a true American. Sure, he used to sing about hookers, drugs and gang life in Detroit. But then he nailed Pam Anderson, repented, and now he is the ultimate champion of middle American values. Clearly, that midget he ran with was a bad influence, and is now burning in midget hell.

Second, as if Kid Rock wasn't enough America for you, let's toss in Dale Earnhart Jr. He drives a race car. A RACE CAR! It doesn't even matter that he never wins, or that the Army is shelling out money that could be used for the direct benefit of actual soldiers to splatter their logo on a race car. What matters is people connect with him, and he's glad to receive the check on their behalf. He understands your pain.

Kid Rock and Dale Jr. together are doing their part for our troops, by staying behind and continuing their over-the-top lifestyle. After all, our enemy hates our freedom, so we might as well flaunt the fuck out of it.

What's most important is how happy the soldiers look. Army life seems pretty okay. You wake up every morning, drive a Hummer, attend an all-male rock concert and get sme dude sweat going, and top it off with a romp around the racetrack (where there are also explosions and other dude stuff).

I'm getting a little turned on just think about it. The explosions that is...

Its also cool that the none of the soldiers were overseas. How else would they encounter all those young American children?


Us rascals weren't causin' no ruckas. Just look into my GIANT EYES!

My question, naturally, is why aren't these children in school. This is Texas, after all.

In short, the Army is painting a positive picture with this ad. A world where we've already kicked terror's ass, but we still need people to help us in case of flooding and stuff. Because the National Guard is about fun. Not like those Marine ads, where no one seems to be smiling, and there's at least 120% less rocking.

Yeah, those are depressing.

The Agony of White People and the High Five

More often than any functional human should, I find myself in front of the television on my third consecutive episode of Cash Cab. For those unfamiliar with Cash Cab, the host of the show, who drives the cleanest taxi in Manhattan, picks up “unsuspecting” people to play a quiz game show while on the way to their destination. Inevitably, the “unsuspecting” people are nicely dressed Manhattanites who never seem all that happy about winning several hundred dollars by answering questions from the Trivial Pursuit Teen Genius Edition.

 But regardless of the money, every one of them revels in the teamwork and the collective triumph of defeating the mental gauntlet that is Cash Cab. Which brings me to my point.

 Its guaranteed that at some point, once all the contestants have realized the magnitude of what they've become involved in, they become so overcome with competitive juices and have no natural way to channel it. Suddenly, during an anxious post-question moment of joy, one contestant's arm sees only one way to express all this raw power – a high five.

 The high five is one of humanity's greatest celebratory acts. The basic high five involves two participants, both facing front. Both raise their hands up, palms facing forward, and simultaneously extend them forward and slam their hands together. The noise this produces is among the most exciting sounds in the world.  

 Up until the invention of the high five, the traditional method of celebrating an accomplishment was to bang skulls together like two feuding goats. Due to the frequency of this behavior, its not surprising in took tens of thousands of years (5,000 Bible Years) to develop a safer, and more refined, interaction.

 Back to Cash Cab.....

 Its not that two ordinary white people would be unable to throw a high five. As explained above, its a relatively simple act. The problem is that the two parties become uncertain of each other's intentions. There is always a slight hesitation on one party which throws off the timing and commitment of the other. The result is one hand shooting past the other, and two faces filled with humiliation.

 This is an how bad off we are as a society. We can't even fucking high five properly without consciously debating whether its the right course of action. I fear that at some point in the future, we will become so self conscious that we'll revert back to a firm handshake and chanting “Bully”.

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